Thursday, January 22, 2009

Vacation from Ambiguity

About a year ago, I found myself very angry with some people--in taking legal action regarding the situation, it became clear to me that I wasn't merely seeking justice and restitution, I was out for vengeance as well. This isn't my usual way (no, I'm not virtuous, I'm just low-energy--to a fault!), so I had to think about it, because thinking about it seems generally to be more truth-inducing than simply commanding oneself to not be angry anymore. What I realized was this: deep down, I actually felt pretty matter-of-fact about the people. Everyone messes up sometimes, and yes, it was right for me to receive compensation for my damages, but I really did know not only that that these individuals are fellow human beings, but that I have certainly done more harm in the world, both by comission and omission, than they had done to me. No, the reason I found myself in avenging angel-mode actually had nothing to do with the people--the truth was that I'd been craving a vacation from ambiguity! I was right in the midst of a prolonged period of heightened uncertainty about several important life decisions/circumstances, and was tired of being so extremely uncomfortable. And now here, finally, something that was very clear had presented itself to me--the people with whom I was angry had wronged me and others through negligence, no ifs, ands, or buts--yippee! No nuances, no layers of explanation or interpretation, etc.

When I understood this, I saw the humor in it as well as the sin, and it was much easier to aim toward "dispassion" as I proceeded with the legalities.

But we all need a vacation from ambiguity, because the longer we live, the deeper the mysteries grow. That's why I love to shoot baskets, even though I am terrible at it--it's one area of life that's completely binary--the ball is either IN or OUT. Amen.

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